Remembering Who You Are
Mama, what’s the longest you’ve been away from your child? Mine is 5 days and it didn’t occur until Kairo was 21 months old. Being in a co-parenting relationship, I’ve had to get used to Kairo spending the night away from home, and honestly, even the overnight stays make me feel some kind of way. Why is it so hard for us to be away from them?
The first time he stayed at his dad’s house, I cried. The best way I can describe it is to say I felt like something was missing. I felt alone. I didn’t know what to do with myself. The only reason I know how to describe these feelings is because I’ve forced myself to sit with them over and over again. He started staying overnight with his dad when he was around 12 months old, so I’ve had many opportunities to get better at this. I used to waste my free time scrolling through Instagram trying to bypass the feelings I was experiencing being away from him, but I eventually came to appreciate these feelings as an invitation to return to myself.
Even if you prioritize yourself and establish a daily routine that allows you to spend time alone, as a mama we still sometimes allow ourselves to be overly consumed with the needs of our child. So much so, that when we’re not together, we don’t know what to do with ourselves. It’s almost like we’ve allowed our child to define how our time is supposed to be spent. We forget that we have interests, hobbies, and friends. It’s important to find the balance between caring for our child and caring for yourself.
Don’t get me wrong, of course there is separation anxiety experienced the first couple of times you’re away from one another. That’s natural. It’s biological. But, when it gets to the point that you feel guilty for being away or you really don’t know how to consume your time with other things, it’s time to have an intervention with yourself. You have to determine where you’ve allowed the lines of your role identities to blur and how you can reclaim who you are.
I’m talking about this from a place of compassion and understanding. I’ve been there! At the beginning of June, I went on a girls trip to Montego Bay, Jamaica and left Kai with his father for 5 days and 4 nights. Overall, Kairo handled it very well. He called out for me often and threw some crazy tantrums, but all in all he was fine. We talked multiple times a day and he knew I was coming back (with toys). Me on the other hand….I was crying in the buffet line, reverting back to old behaviors (drinking), and beating myself up for leaving him. Where did this come from? I realized I had worked through the feelings of being away from him for one night, but the extended stay triggered self-inflicted guilt and unconsciousness. I love God’s sense of humor. Once you think you’ve fixed something, He sends a test to show you how much work you still have to do.
Through meditation, self reflection, and conversations with my sisters, I become more comfortable being away and eventually enjoyed my trip without beating myself up. I had forgotten that I am allowed to keep living my life too. I have worked hard over the past couple of years to grow, birth, and raise a human. I deserved a fucking break! I also knew that Kairo was safe, loved, and being cared for. My worries were stealing my joy. Reminding myself to return to the present moment over and over again is what helped me. But also affirming that I’m still a great mother even if I want to go on a trip out of the country and enjoy myself. I am a whole, worthy, and complete person without anyone else, and that includes my child. Kairo is a huge part of my life and my purpose, but I cannot allow being his mother to define me. Honestly, I cant allow anything to define me.
It all comes down to allowing yourself to just be and knowing who you are outside of being a mama. What do you like to do? What would you do if you didn’t have a child? How would you use your free time? Knowing this prepares you for the day your child starts spending time away from you. As long as they are safe, you can rest your mind and focus on yourself. If you’ve been contemplating whether or not you should book that trip, do it! Should you go out this weekend? Yes. Being a mama does not and should not stop you from living your life. You deserve the same love, attention, care, appreciation, and energy you give your child.
Stay ViKtorious!
