NO! NO! NO!
Kai is 21 months old now and while he’s always been very opinionated about what he will and won’t do, things have certainly ramped up around here. I can’t even tell you how many times we hear the word No!” in one day.
“Kairo, let’s go to the potty.” “NO!”
“Kairo, let’s clean up your toys.” “No!”
“Kairo, let’s put your shoes on. “No!”
“Kairo, please stop playing on the steps.” “No!”
“Kairo, bring me a toy for Ziggy please.” “No!”
These examples don’t even touch the tip of the iceberg. “No” is literally all we hear all day. Dealing with a toddler at this stage takes an enormous amount of patience and consciousness. And I will admit, I’m not perfect at handling it. I’ve noticed myself getting frustrated when he refuses to do something. I’ve also witnessed Kai’s “no” to an adult being met with “Who are you saying no to?!” Which leads me to the topic of today’s blog post: Why is it that children saying “no” triggers the ego of adults? Why does it bother us when children, with a very limited vocabulary, express that they don’t want to do something? What does this teach us about ourselves? When we truly look at why our child says no and the ramifications to follow (a negative reaction from the parent or a tantrum from the child), the finger always points back to us. Hear me out...
First, our children hear the word “no” from us all day long too. When they touch something they aren’t supposed to, when they do something they shouldn’t, when they break something, when they hit something, or when they ask for something. Our kids are always learning from us, and we’ve literally taught them that “No” is the best way to express when you don’t want something to occur. I imagine it’s just as annoying for them to always hear the word “No” from us, as it is for us to hear it from them.
Second, humans, in general, want to feel a sense of control. When a toddler says no, they are practicing how to control their environment. They’re assessing whether they have any say in what they do, what they eat, where they go, or what they wear. As adults, we have a more evolved vocabulary and can easily express what it is we want and argue for it if need be. However, toddlers do not have that ability, which is why they resort to saying “no” and throwing a fit when they feel unheard.
As mentioned in blog posts before, I believe our children come to us to teach us valuable lessons and to help us evolve. Their mission starts the second they’re conceived. The best way to open up to their lessons is to be aware of the ways they trigger us. If we find ourselves being triggered by a child telling us “no”, we need to look deep at ourselves. In my opinion, this trigger is an indication of a need to control or a childhood wound of never being heard. Both of which are invitations to do some inner work and healing.
There are some lessons in motherhood we cannot avoid. But when it comes to tantrums, I’ve learned that presenting options works well. We’ve been conditioned and raised to believe our children need to be told what to do all the time, but when you try to parent from a more loving, conscious, and aware space that approach just doesn’t resonate. Learning to hear your child out is a much more appealing approach. They might not be able to clearly voice their concerns, but they certainly can express a preference when given two options.
I’m intentionally slow to react when Kairo starts saying “no”. I take a breath and remember that he isn’t trying to challenge my control (do I really have control of anything any way?) and he wants to be heard. He was probably in the middle of doing something he really enjoyed when I asked him to do something else so I also try to be understanding. Rather than asking him to do one thing, my way, and on my time, I like to give him 2 options. For example, if it’s time for us to go on our morning walk, I’ll say “Kairo, it’s time to get ready to go. Once you shoot one more shot with your basketball, would you like to put your shoes on first or your jacket?”. This allows him to have a say, lets him know that what he’s doing is just as important as what I need him to do, and it prepares him mentally to switch tasks.
I am not perfect, and I have absolutely reacted too quickly to Kairo and have been triggered by his resistance. Most often, I experience unpleasant feelings in myself sparked by his “no” when I’m rushing out the door and he won’t cooperate. I’m working on my relationship with time and understanding that it doesn’t really exist so I don’t need to put imaginarily pressure on myself to be anywhere or do anything at a certain time. But on occasions when my unconsciousness guides my reactions and I do end up raising my voice, I always apologize. Doing the work for me looks like taking responsibility when I act out of character and being more aware next time I find myself in a similar situation so I can control my reaction. In addition to controlling ym reaction to his no, I try hard to avoid saying the word no. Rather than a straight up “no”, I try to give an explanation for why I Want him to do something or why he shouldn’t do something. I feel this will help him communicate better in the future.
To wrap this post up, I know it can be annoying and frustrating dealing with all the “No’s” your toddler throws at you in a day. But I want to encourage you work on yourself and your reaction. It’s much easier to control yourself than it is to control someone else, even if that someone else is your child. Learn to identify your triggers and have the courage to unpack them so you aren’t allowing your child to continuously trigger you in the same way. One thing my therapist always tells me is “You can’t expect others to do something you don’t even do” and this applies to our children. If we want them to stop saying “no”, learn how to communicate efficiently, and express themselves, we need to demonstrate how to do that.
Sending love and patience to you!
Stay ViKtorious, Mama!
