Doing Things Your Own Way
We’ve all had our perspectives, beliefs, behaviors, and traditions influenced externally since the moment we entered this world. Our parents, society, religion, teachers, and friends have all shaped the way we view and react to our reality. Knowing this helps to explain why after stepping into motherhood we begin to see traits of our own mothers in ourselves. We notice that we mirror some of the ways we were raised, and whether we consciously choose these behaviors or not, they start to appear. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with implementing some of your mother’s parenting techniques, as self aware beings, we must ask ourselves “at what point do I make a change and start doing things my own way”?
If you ask my mother that question, she’ll tell you that I’ve been doing things my own way since I was a child, however, since stepping into motherhood, I’ve taken it to an entirely different level. First, I decided to have a home birth (check out my first blog post for details), which was so outside of the norm to her that she thought I was going crazy. Then I decided to cloth diaper, which she would’ve never chosen to do. Next, I chose to make all of Kairo’s baby food to which her response was “Who does that?! Seriously who does that?”. I also practiced co-sleeping with Kairo until he was 16 months old, which I often found myself lying about to avoid judgement. Finally, I have a coparenting relationship with Kairo’s father which is the complete opposite of how my parents raised me. While these are just a few examples, they perfectly depict how I continue to go against the norm and do things my own way.
As I mentioned before, there are many things related to mothering that should be continued from generation to generation. One of which is the idea that raising a child takes a village. My sister and I grew up in a home with both parents present. In addition to having both parents in the house, our grandmother also lived with us. So essentially, my sister and I grew up under the daily influence of two maternal figures. My grandma took care of us during the day until school age and throughout the summers while my parents worked. Having my grandmother there with us allowed my mother to be a business owner and our mommy; both of which she succeeded at. In addition to having grandma with us, we also lived 20-30 minutes away from 2 of my mom’s brothers so we have aunties, uncles, and cousins just a call away. Having a village gives mamas flexibility to keep chasing their dreams while also raising their babies. A village filled with trusted family members who can love on your child while you get other things done is a blessing and something I definitely utilize with Kairo.
Many of the decisions I make regarding how I parent Kairo are things I’ve never personally seen done before. It can take a lot of courage to stand firm in your decisions when you’re the first to do it and the maternal figures in your life don’t always understand. But just because you’ve never seen it done before and no one can relate, doesn’t mean you should conform to the old ways of doing things. In my opinion, one of the beauties of motherhood is our ability to implement some of the mothering traditions from all the mothers who came before us, while tailoring the experience uniquely to us.
As we seek to reclaim our lives, bodies, and time this year, I think creating a vision for how you want to parent and learning to incorporate old and new ways of doing things is a great first step. Think about what traditions, beliefs, and behaviors you want to instill in your babies as they grow, and figure out where you have the flexibility to do it your own way. It’s not always easy to go against the grain, but I affirm we are capable of making our own way as a mother and have the freedom of doing things differently than we’ve ever seen them done before.
Until next time, stay ViKtorious, Mama!
