Powering Through Mom Guilt & Shame
I remember it like it was yesterday. We were at the pediatrician’s office for Kairo’s first appointment. The doctor was weighing him and informed us that he was not gaining weight at a fast enough rate. We were instructed to return the following week for additional monitoring. At our follow up appointment, the feedback we received was the same. I had been nursing up to this point, but they now instructed us to put him on formula to get his weight back up. As if the news of our failed attempt at breastfeeding wasn’t bad enough, the nurse insisted that I have Kairo latch right then and there, almost as if she wanted me to further humiliate myself by demonstrating our incorrect technique. After Kairo pulled off seconds after initiating, the nurse touched my breast and said “no wonder he’s not gaining weight, you aint got no milk in there!”.
BOOM! Bring on the mom guilt and shame.
I’m sure we’ve all been there, whether it was brought on by your pediatrician, family members, friends, social media, or society. At some point you’ve allowed others to make you feel bad for some aspect of your motherhood or you’ve beaten yourself up for the same. Shame and guilt are common experiences, especially for new mothers and these emotions can make you do some crazy things: like jeopardize your mental health and well being to pump breastmilk for months despite your desire to quit (me….I’m talking about me).
I remember crying that day after Kairo’s appointment wondering why I wasn’t good enough. Where had I gone wrong? Why wasn’t this easy for us? I put so much pressure on myself that I went home and pumped immediately. I might’ve failed at nursing but he was going to get my milk one way or another.
As I reflect on how this incident has shaped my mothering experience thus far, I can’t help but wonder if this “pressure” originated internally or externally. We’ve all heard that breastmilk is best for our babies, but maybe I allowed that idea to weigh on me so heavily that I wouldn’t give up until Kairo got all the breastmilk he needed. I’ve worked through these feelings somewhat, but I still put pressure on myself to continue pumping. I wish I hadn’t allowed my feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy to drive my decision, especially since they might’ve been projected feelings from someone else. While I know now that I did not fail at nursing, it took me a while to heal the parts of me that felt as if I had.
I could literally go on and on about all the times I’ve felt mom guilt (my unsuccessful home birth, the day I returned to work after maternity leave, the first time Kairo fell off the bed, sleep training, longing for Kairo to go to his dad’s house so I can get a break, etc.) but I’ve learned that continuing to beat myself up over these things does me no good.
Kairo’s Birthday!
I was so happy he was finally here, but I felt like a failure for having to have been transferred to the hospital.
Returning to Work After Maternity Leave
I missed my baby so much. I felt HORRIBLE for leaving him.
At the end of the day, the motherhood experience comes with an endless number of opportunities to make decisions, and whatever you decide will always be met with scrutiny. Our journey can also be unpredictable, and as we encounter new situations, we do the best that we can.
Allowing the opinions of others to influence how we feel about our mothering experience is not how we reclaim our power, lives, and bodies. Doing your research, trusting your intuition, and being confident in yourself is my best advice for how to avoid the feelings of mom guilt and shame. However, I do know that we’re all human and sometimes fall victim to the opinions of others. In those moments, allow yourself to feel but then remember who the mother of your child is. You have the power. We have to stop looking for validation from others on how we’re doing, and learn to validate ourselves. You can do this! You’re a ViKtorious Mama!
We’ll chat again next week!
